Last night I dreamt of you,

like every other night. I know you will dismiss this with your indignant, ‘there you go again’. But hold on, I take my last attempt to collect all those illogical thoughts and put them on paper, for the last time so you could try and make out what it means to be in love and yet lonely. All these days, I was crazy about you and everything about you that I almost missed to realize that I could never ever be your love. I hoped only falsely that you would understand one day and things would be fine. You didn’t and I am not complaining. Perhaps, I should thank you for molding my belief in love. I probably didn’t know that it’s not love to just keep writing letters, like I always did and feel okay about you crushing them all. I wonder if there was no love, why did you have to read them after all. I love you so much that it now hurts badly to keep loving and keep getting ignored in return. I saw you in the café with your new found love, last evening. And trust me, it did not make me cry. For a moment, I felt alright seeing you smile with another man. I am not bitter, really. I know we would be 50, 60,70 someday and it’s nice to wish for all that we want to be. I don’t even know how life would be with out thinking about you or insanely trying to attempt another letter or a gift which I hoped would could change your mind .I hate that I am clueless, but I have had enough that I want to just leave you with your life and I don’t really care what ever comes of it, my life or yours and it seems like a damn good idea to move on. All the letters and flowers that you eventually chucked out, I am happy you did and there’s nothing that reminds me of you or how insane I was. I want to sleep the nights out, hugging the pillow, and go fishing with some wine and party with friends and play squash. I haven’t experienced it in years and oh man, I haven’t had a Life all these years. With this I am gladly burying all your memories and when I wake up, I want to go back to life and be ready to hope that one day I will have my girl, I am yet to meet. Any day, you don’t have to think about where the hell I would be in life for you know, I would be fine though you wouldn’t see me creeping on you with my letters, right now, and am going back to some sleep and wouldn’t really invite you to my dreams. So, just relax.

PS - I felt, melancholy takes better shapes in the hands of a male and I have written like a boy; hope this is set straight. :)

A Promise for Christmas - Valentine's Special

I rush into the hospital and find Gennie talking on the phone. She points at the doctor’s room gesturing Dam is in there and pulls my hand down to sit next to her. “He’s alright, Mrs. Parkinson. Please don’t let this worry you too much. He’ll give you a call once he’s out of the doctor’s room. Yes, sure, Take care”.

“Dam’s mom, she wants to come and it’s…”

“Hw’s he now ? ” I sharply cut her across

“Dam is doing ok. But they say he might need a surgery on his right elbow. The car hit him on his hand while he was trying to get out of the driver’s seat. “

I sigh out my aggravation and ask her if she has got enough money.

“I have paid for the x-rays and stuff but I think we’ll need a lot more”.

I quickly leave for the ATM. I offered Gennie a bottle of water when I got back. She took it gratefully.

“Anna, there’s something else I want to tell you”.

“What?”, I ask her, sipping the water bottle.

“Did you know that Dam is a cancer patient? ” She says that so casually that I can’t really make out if I heard her right.

“Wh…what ?”

“He is, Anna. And I found that out myself only today when he told the doctor. Dam is leaving New York, the next month. Says he wants to just move on ”

There is this sudden gush of tears bombing out of my eyes and I can feel my heart shrinking thinking about what I just heard. I can’t hold the bottle firmly and drop it eventually. My fingers are trembling. I can’t even blink. I am shocked to the degree that I feel like slapping Gennie for giving me this news.

“What the hell…” I don’t know what I am saying.

Gennie holds my hands and tries to appear composed. But I can see tears in her eyes too.

“Don’t worry, he will be ok.”

I bang my neck against the head rest of the chair and look up at the blank ceiling.

“No body knows, not even his mom”, Gennie continues but I wish I didn’t hear anything.

All these days, all the fun and silly things we had shared. I have only seen Dam in the brightest of smiles. Every moment of hell I gave him and Gennie about my relation with Kenny, I know I have hurt Dam so many times because I was hurt myself and I couldn’t take it when Dam or Gennie tried to console me. I was always snappy and cranky and insane whenever we talked about Kenny or my life. And Dam would tease me at the end of it all saying I finally gave Kenny a chance to live and I would sometimes slap him. All this and more when he knew he was having this dreadful disease ? He was always listening to me like I was the most important person ever and all I have given him back is my share of truck loads of problems and a little companionship.

I sigh and close my eyes. For a moment I don’t see anything, I don’t see life. Perhaps Dam didn’t tell me about his little secret because he knew I would ignore it just like I had ignored him, all these days, all my life.
I curse God for putting people through the worst of life, but quickly remember Dam telling me once that God never puts us in problems; we choose our own mistakes and God goes through the toughest time trying to pull us out of it.

Dam was leaving ? Where would he go ? He doesn’t have anyone save his mom. Is there anything I can do ?

I lay there for hours, thinking and not understanding. They are doing the surgery on Dam’s hands. Gennie fell asleep for an hour.

I wipe my cheeks and feel a numb coldness and tears.

I look around. It must be almost midnight. The clock showed 11:15. I can’t believe I was sitting there for 5 hours. I pull myself out of the chair. I suddenly think of Kenny and the easiness with which he broke the marriage. I think of Michelle. I think of Dam. I think of Gennie. I walk across the hall and hold the window sill, gazing out meaninglessly. I see a church and some people gathering up for the midnight service. They are hugging each other, kissing. I can’t see more because eyes are welling up and I look up at the skies, stand there until my knees were tired.

“Ms Gennie, Ms Anna”, that’s the call from the doctor.

I turn around with a jerk and see Gennie hurrying towards the doctor. I don’t hear what the doctor is saying. But he’s smiling at Gennie and she turns back to give me a Thumbs up. For once in so many hours, I take a deep relieved breath and wipe my tears out and slowly walk to the room.

Dam is awake, smiling as joyfully as ever. “Did I make your Christmas eve adventurous, ladies ? “ He chuckles.

I wait at his bedside and smile, touching his arm. “Hey Anna, what’s up honey. Did Gennie tell you I was dead ? “ Gennie was laughing.

“Are you leaving” I crawl up closer to his face. Dam’s smile fades, he looks up at me seriously.

“Where?” Dam manages to hold the smile.

“Are you leaving the city, Dam?”

He doesn’t respond. He looks at Gennie who looks apologetic.

“Dam I am asking you “ I sound angry

“Anna, see, some things are better left unsaid and you.. “

“I am so sorry Dam, I am so sorry I am letting you go. I am so sorry I didn’t know”. I cry and lean across his chest. I can slowly feel his hands on my hair.

“Anna, I just thought I will let you live”, he continues to chuckle.

“Yea, Thanks Dam, you can, it’s your life. But I’ve just got a small gift for you.”

“Wow, for Christmas ?”, he exclaims “ I just hope it’s not another crazy kitten that crunches into me all the time”

I suppress my laughter. I had gifted Dam a barmy kitten, last Christmas.

“No, it’s not, but it’s gonna be yet another crazy being that will torture you for a life time ” I smile

“Ohhh no”, Dam groans “I know ! A puppy this time, right ? ! Anna for GOD’s SAKE, I HATE PETS “

I continue to smile.

“What, where’s the damn thing” He is curious.

I move further close that I can now feel his breath and whisper into his confused face

“here” And I kiss him, gradually feeling his hug tightening and tears flowing. But there is no grief , I know. I look into his eyes. For the first time, I have seen tears in his eyes. He still looks flabbergasted. He hasn’t taken his arm off me.

Wiping away his tears, I hold his hands and say

“Merry Christmas, Dam”

He still can’t speak. And he struggles to shift his gaze to Gennie to get her word that this is not a dream.

Gennie is smiling in tears.

I turn back and go “Merry Christmas, Gennie”

Tears get faster on Gennie’s cheek. She comes closer, kneels down by the bedside

“Merry Christmas to both of you” She somehow manages amidst tears and smiles .
- Concludes.

A Promise for Christmas - Part 2

I bite my lips, irritated. Why on earth does Gennie have to call me NOW and on some restaurant’s number.
“Thank you, I am coming” I mumble to the waiter;I can’t hide how irritating this could get.
I swiftly walk up to the reception, pick up the phone and answer
“Gennie?”
“Anna, oh my god, I finally got you”
“Why in the whole world did you have to reach me on this number?” I control my temper to make sure my voice does not get loud.
“Anna, I have something important to tell you”
“You couldn’t call me on my blackberry?”
“Your blackberry was switched off. Anna listen, Dam met with a car crash”
I flip my gaze from my blackberry, which I took out to check if it was switched off to the receptionist. I can’t make out what Gennie was talking about.

“What? Dam? When ? Gennie, what are you saying?”
“Yes, don’t worry he’s out of danger. Dam was giving me a drop back home. I got out of the car to buy something and I don’t know, the car was hit and Dam was bleeding. I took him to the hospital. They are looking at him. Anna, I want you here right now” Gennie sounds nervous yet strong.
“Fine, I am coming, which hospital?”

Gennie is a strong person, I know she can handle things pretty well. But I need to go. Oh my God, Dam, what the hell. Thoughts just whisking through my mind and am unconsciously walking to the exit.

“Anna” , Kenny stands right in front of me looking very concerned.
Perhaps he can make out something is wrong.

“Kenny, Hi”, I don’t smile and pretend serious and confused.

“Is every thing alright?” He comes a little closer.

Michelle joins him from the table, smiling at me.

“Yes, umm…I mean not really, Hi Michelle”

I gather guts and decide to leave “See, I am sorry, am in a hurry, I have to leave right now “

“Ohh, of course”, Kenny replies, “I hope u have all the help”.

“Yes, fine, thank you”

And I start walking.

“Anna”, I hear Kenny again

What now, I turn back.

“I am sorry but Merry Christmas to you “

“yea…Merry Christmas to both of you”, I can’t believe I managed that.

And take a cab, straight to the hospital.


Dam Parkinson is my colleague and a good friend. In fact, there is friendship between us to the extent that Dam and I hang out causally and he has helped me with a lot of issues in life. Gennie Whitefield is my roommate and she’s a common friend to me and Dam. Dam is handsome, intelligent and extremely funny. But I genuinely can’t pull myself to spend too much time with him because Dam is in love with me. Yes, he has proposed and every time I speak to him, I can make out his effort to hide the love from his eyes and therefore it’s not always smooth for me with Dam. In fact, I have been razor sharp with him when I knew I saw love in him. I think I can’t get over my breakup with Kenny . It’s insane. But I do not think I could ever remarry. The cab stops in front of the hospital making me blink about how long I have been thinking about Dam. I take my wallet out and feel a few dollops of tears drop into my hands.
God, please keep Dam safe.

- Anna's snags will continue

A promise for Christmas.

The last time I was here was for the eve of my last birthday, when Kenny finally said he wanted to get married to me. For a moment I couldn’t believe him, ‘cause Kenny is someone who doesn’t usually give in to anything that easily. He was holding my left hand and I could see a glee of love on his face in the candle light that spread graciously from the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle cheese cake on the table. For the umpteenth time I smiled at my super strong confidence that Kenny was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He was leaving for California the next day and I wanted to put a pause to everything and just stay there, staring into his eyes. I was going to miss him. Two weeks was not a small thing, you know.
“We will get married by the end of Jan; that’s like about 3 weeks from now ?”, he was smiling intriguingly and I didn’t respond. I couldn’t take my eyes away and think.

“Anna?”, he embraced my palm and I was forced to come back to the real world.

“hmmm…yea…you were..hmm..saying..something ?” I was embarrassed at my own dreamer-attitude.

“Good gracious, Anna ! “, he was still smiling and I had to make my ignorance up and smile intelligently, like he was the one being ignorant.

“I was talking about getting married by this month end. 3 weeks from now, how about that?” , he continued ignoring my attempt to appear smart.

” Hmm…yes, that would be fantastic, I..umm…I just can’t believe you are saying this, are you serious Kenny ?” Now this time I was again looking into his eyes but not with passion, I wanted to see a sense of assurance.
He only gave his trademark smile again and I couldn’t ask for more. I trusted his gestures more than his words. Sometimes I had this strange feeling that I was just trying to personify the man of my dreams in him. But it couldn’t be true, or I believed so, because it’s not really a year since Kenny and I were a couple and am here again at Cheesecake factory in New York , 11 months after I married Kenny and 4 months after we separated. I sit here thinking of the changes that year has brought about, single, married and divorced, broken and mending, my emotional ride through out the year.

It’s the eve of Christmas. The city is a spectacle. There is this red feeling of love that just blooms around in here every winter. I walk in looking for a private kind of place and choose a corner table by the window which lets me stick around for hours, watching the world go by. I look through the glassed up walls. It’s nice to see people making merry. Happier faces, forgetting the stress and work, the cakes smelling yummier and hotter than ever, snow just kissing away the blues of the year, Churches getting ready with lights and carols, Christmas is just too beautiful.

“Good evening and a Merry Christmas to you ma’am, would you like to have something”
I look up at this man standing right beside my table, offering me a menu which has a tiny wreath attached and he is wearing a Santa Claus hat and a very warm smile.
“Ohh, yes…umm..Thank you” I politely take the menu and he leaves. I decide to go for a club sandwich and a Peach Smoothie.
As he comes by, I find myself in a hurry to close the menu and place my order. I avoid his eyes when I tell him I would like the beverage along with the sandwich. It has become a habit to avoid anybody’s eyes who smiles at me, these days. Broken heart, you know.

I resume my gaze through the glass and suddenly flip my mouth open, my elbow slips off the table. It can’t be. Oh gosh, this is insane, it can be…HIM. But it is and truth always turns hostile with me, always. Kenny Witherspoon, my ex-husband and his new-found fiancée Michelle Blossom enter Cheesecake Factory hand in hand, fully in love. He says something in her ears and she turns pink and gives him a soft little push. Oh my GOD, why does it always happen with me? I must scuttle or he’ll catch me. Kenny and his girlfriend saying hello to me ! I would rather die than make myself a fool in front of them. I look for my phone and pretend to dial a number and hurriedly flip off the seat. I hide my face in hair and fumble for an exit, not daring to look up or straight. Oh yes, thank god I can see the exit and Kenny hasn’t seen me or he would have called out my name. For once, I escape. Relieved but still wheezing, I hold the handle of the door to just flee when I hear “Ms Anna … “.
It was like a lump of thunder banging across my chest. For an instance, I think I must just move on. I am still gripping the handle of the door not looking back. I open,
“Ms.Anna Sweetmore” . It’s clearly loud enough for anyone in the restaurant to hear. I have no choice but to gulp in the remaining energy, close my eyes and turn around forcing a gentle smile into my own face. I can’t pull out my voice but I manage a

“Yes ? “
“Ms. Anna Sweetmore ? ”
“Yes, it’s me “ I look through the corner of my eyes for Kenny and he looks shocked and surprised. I am obviously visible beyond question.
I heave a deep breath, convinced that Kenny has also made out that I was trying to flee the place, seeing him.
“Am so sorry ma’am”, continues the waiter whom I had placed my order to, “there is a call for you at the reception”.
“What ?”

“Ms. Gennie Whitefield is on line”

-- Anna will be back

So far, so good

So….I seem to have quit getting bamboozled over not finding anything inspiring enough to write about all the time. Looks it’s alright if life gets a little sluggish. I am getting at ease with the luxury of getting paid for doing things that I only love at work. Anyways, I am kind of getting over the vacation-mood and seriously want some venture to be set in.

And the year so far has been okay enough. With all the resolutions and careful learning that I jotted down over the year end, I felt I usually lost the vigor of the New Year by the second week of it.

Kicked off my 2008 with a year end shopping spree. So that was loads of a reason to smile at the New Year. I bagged like 6 T-shirts for the cost of 3 and some junk stuff that would otherwise normally get stuffed into the closet forever (this time I am determined not to bury them there).

It's like, by the start of every year, I get a year older along. Yes, I turned 26, this Jan. With all the twists and bends life is riding on, I can’t do anything more than just nod when people tell me “You are a big girl now, get more responsible”. Sighing apart, it was a silent confession over the fact that ' ohh, yea, I am a big girl now”.

One of our buddies is back from a short term abroad visit and you can’t tell how much we’ve been waiting for her return cause so many celebrations had been put on hold until she came. Though it’s quite sometime since she returned and we have already resumed our plans, which were on the back burner, I want to give her a proper welcome-back, ’Smith, welcome back, it’s so nice to have you with us again’.

So, that’s kind of it; the year that just unwrapped, pretty cool, I’d say. And that made a post for me. Must say I am getting the attribute to keep my blog busy.

And by the ways, caught up with the music of Jodha Akbar and it’s a class of its own; you know, rustic, royal, mellow (some tracks) and easy on the ears, a pick for
hardcore Rahman fans like me.

With all due respect to those gorgeous models...

Kingfisher calendar of 2008 is an album of sexy lasses in swim suits ???? I mean, it’s some news that has chilled down a bit now, I know. But, was that even necessary for a calendar?

I had to shut close my mouth (which formed a bog O in disgust, of course) when some one just peeped into what I was looking at, wonderstruck. Before I could make myself clear as to I was NOT wonderstruck by the curves of those ladies, he was off and I can’t really imagine what went thru’ his mind. (Imagine, me flipping pages of pictures of girls in bikini, with an expression that probably seemed like I was….oohh gosh, that made my embarrassment for the day).
Anyways, planting the focus back, yea, Couldn’t Vijay Mallya think of anything more attractive to make the days of a year? Blame it on Bollywood, for glamorizing the confidence of going almost nude; let nudity be confined to movies or pageants where the body does the talking. But to have a calendar from a brand that so far was, well, de-glamourised yet stayed in style, this is definitely not so cool. Come to think of guys who can actually go wow with a smile, waking up to these pics every morning, I feel a sense of plain mockery. Probably, they were the target, Kingfisher focused. Forget about those picturistique scenes on nature, What happened to the photography that can talk or question the mind and still sooth the eyes. If Vijay Mallya considers the easiest way to reach people’s eyes is by sporting a handful of beach wears, it’s either a pity that our society is looked down as an easy victim to skimpy clothes or Kingfisher falls prey to the western glamour. There’s the class who still remain classy, with taste, you probably didn’t see us.

First post of the year.

And there I go !! Tagged for the first post of the year by Bungi.
Self enlightening, I say !!

1. What did I learn?
I learnt that credit cards are like those one-night stands which could leave you with momentary pleasures but are extremely capable of sucking out,throwing over your due balances SMSs every morning. And you know your account is already running low. So the next time someone calls up and offers me a FREE credit card for a lifetime, I am gonna hack his brains with the same one he offered me last year and bury the card forever !!!!

2. What did I accomplish?
Well, I still have the to-accomplish list that I prepared for 2007 in shape and untouched. But, hey, it can’t be that bad. I must have done something. Yea, I, umm….lemme skip this.

3. What would I have done differently?
What WOULD I have ?? I would have done hundreds of things differently, given the chance to go back and live it all over again.


4. What did I complete or release?
A year in my 3rd company.

5. What were the most significant events of the year past?
Trip with mom n dad after a long time
Invested in an apartment
First anniversary of being married
Made some good friends
Brought back some lost friendships
I tried out quite a few things I’ve always wanted to like I tried making breakfast when my maid was away, I tried more glass painting, I baked. I might have not been successful, but who cares, am happy I did !

6.What did I do right?
Ignorance !!! I ignored so many silly things and just moved on. That made a lot of difference.


7. What were the fun things I did?
A lot ! Surprise weekend family trips, hanging out with friends, staying up all night, watching back-to-back movies, making a mess out of so many things I cooked, fighting with the hotel manager for reasons he was innocent of, playing pranks on buddies and a few more may be.

8. What were my biggest challenges/roadblocks/difficulties?
I don’t know; sometimes I have this fantasy for starting my own dream job which gives me a come-down-to-reality kind of hiccup when I think of my actual work. My job and I have fallen out of love. I need to look for new destinies I want to travel to. That’s the challenge.

9. How am I different this year than last?
I would say I want to take some responsibilities. You know, get careful with money, clean up the house more often, spend the best time with family and enjoy myself more. But it’s too early to judge how different I am this year. Things have just started.

10. For what am I particularly grateful?
All the love around me. I am rich with a handful of fantastic people in my life. The joy, the strength, the care, the fun, the comfort, the peace, my life is blessed.