Sunday, December 28, 2008

A letter, a wish and some memories

Dear 2008,
It’s sad that I haven’t even found good number of chances to mark your name down on papers and you are already leaving. It just seems to me that you arrived only a couple of months back. That's life I guess, Well, Ohh, by the ways, Hi dear blog ! I guess you, by now, may be quite used to the sluggish, erratic frequency of my writing art. Anyways, the letter is intended to kiss good bye to the year and let me get to that straight.
You had been kind in general, except for definitely, the bomb blasts that shook the cities throughout the year. Can I tell you that our faith, particularly in our national security is getting depleted blast after blast, year after year. You have played host to so many such terrible incidents and you will be remembered in sadness for that. Not a good thing, you know. God, if you are listening, please buy yourself a good quality gun and shoot those morons flat without having to think about if it is right for god to be using guns and everything. I hear a pen gun is what the terrorists may use. I don’t really know the details of it but please go for it, it’s okay. This world needs some clean-up and all we end up doing most of the time is cleaning our own clothes and bodies when there is heavy loads of trash laid out there all around.
Keeping aside that, the world is slowly waking to the horrendous effects of the killer, Global Warming. Thanks to scientist and analysts who finally shed the truth to the world. Can you believe how much damage we have caused already? But leaving the causes in the past, I hope everyone understands how much important it is to do our part to save the world, things as little as turning off unneeded lights and electronic stuff. May the years that come see more earth-friendly humans and less of robots.
Well, I guess personally, dear 2008, you had been really sweet to me. First of all, I was not working but still earning for the entire first 6 months. I still consider this the best part that has happened to me in my career. Second of all, you gave me a chance to do what I wanted to do from the core of my heart but did not dare, well, dare enough may be. But finally, one day, hands rigid on table, eyes straight on my boss, I told him, ‘ I quit’. You have no idea how blessed I felt right after doing it. You have pocketed in me, some plenty of time to do things I always wanted to but never found the time for; It’s like saying Hello to myself all over again. This period of my life is the best holiday I have ever had. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed for keeping my family, friends, neighbors and everybody else in my life safe and healthy all through the year. One of my friends says you don’t say Good-bye if you really wish to see the person again, instead you say ‘see you’. But I know I will never see you again after the midnight of Dec 31st. So, all I can do is give you a peck on the cheek and look up, with a prayer in my heart to keep the goodness flowing. God, I really really wish and hope you bless us with a peaceful and a safe year ahead. Happy 2009 !

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I me and more..

I took this from Anju's blog. But as I did it, it seemed to take a long time. Yea, someone rightly said the longest journey is always the one inwards, into the soul.

I am: pretty light with temperament.
I think: we need to slow down once in a while and lay our neck back and take a deep breath.
I know: I am not too target-oriented.
I want: to be the editor of a life-style magazine, have my own boutique, own a fabulous looking home, travel the world.
I have: a great blessing in the fact that I am capable of letting go of things.
I wish: people were more considerate about being kind and nice
I hate: it when cars don’t slow down to let the pedestrians cross or when you type a nice,long message on office communicator and the respondent just says back a ‘k’ or a ‘s’.
I miss: College,a few of my friends,Bangalore,
I fear: being left behind in the rat race.
I feel: a sense of vacuum inside my own self sometimes
I hear: people talking, the incessant hitting of keyboard, someone’s sharp heels giving a tap-tap on the ground
I smell: the mixed fruit juice that I had over lunch
I crave: for times I can just chill out with friends, with a drink and talk about anything under the sun
I search: my hair brush, my mobile, my hanky for about 4-5 times a day
I wonder: how life will be in a couple of years
I regret: having fallen into the box of being a computer engineer.
I love: Grilled Chicken with mayonnaise, coffee with chocolate sauce n whipped cream, being home on Saturdays listening to music, friends (both the TV Series and real-life ones), Early morning coffee with mom n dad , the aroma of flavored creams, AR Rahman’s creations, Sunrise from rooftop, to smile, to be me,to live and yes to love.
I ache:.when I don’t see value for relationships.
I care: not to let go of any relation I have, friends & family despite the disagreements and differences.
I am not: carried away by any kind of advertisements. I buy only for the value of the product.
I believe: that if you love life, it will love you for sure.
I dance: pretty good I say, but on the stage in front of people, my legs always tremble.
I sing: hmm, pretty ok I believe. Aravind asks me to sing some songs again n again, so I guess am not pathetic.
I cry: but I make sure no one sees my tears.
I don’t always: like something that the majority of my folks like.
I fight: sometimes to get over my insecurities.
I write: my heart out.
I win: occasionally
I lose: more than I win, but that’s how life is, it’s ok
I never: Use the F* word
I always: get up hoping for some miracle to happen that day, every day.
I confuse: myself more about why I wouldn’t just decide
I listen: to everybody’s opinion.It kinda puts things in very different dimensions.
I can usually be found: very easily around.
I am scared: of darkness, lonely nights, reptiles, spooky movies
I need: the power of mind to make the best of what is on life
I am happy about: feeling the warmth of love every now and then..

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Home,Life etc...

The weekend was excruciating. I had a hard time cleaning up the mess my home went out to be after a month’s negligence. But at the end of the day, it’s great to have your place all tidied up and organized. May be I should capture a pic of it, not all often do I get to see the neatness I have of it. This is my world, it lodges all the craziness that maketh me. Sometimes I feel I should be more kind to it and think twice before flinging things all around and just go mad looking for them the next day. Okay, the triumphant emotion I sense after I find what I had been looking for is great, but the time and the emotional vagueness that form the saga of running all around drains some valuable life out of me, uuff ! Talking of it, one of the most beautiful feelings I go through every day is to come back home from a tiring and mundane day of work. It’s a blessing to have someone waiting at the doorstep with a smile to collect the milk packets that often are on the whim of eloping my handhold. That was my maid and am really thankful I have her at home. Or more truly, I am thankful there’s nothing or nobody that hauls me out of bed every morning, asking what’s for breakfast today. I enjoy cooking though, the tang of vegetables and ghee as you sauté them, the flavor of ground Indian spices, the aroma of the whole experience of cooking for the soul is blissful; it’s just that I can’t do it everyday as part of my daily chore. I cook for a hobby and that offers me the love to experiment. I recently discovered some exotic ways to make coffee. Ohh yea, Bru has come about with a wide spectrum of flavored coffee mixes. All you need to do is mix with hot or cold milk, shake up and sip ! I am pretty skeptical ‘coz the last time I tried Bru Cappuccino, it didn’t come closer to an actual cappuccino. This post is seemingly streamlining my ideas to kitchen. Shuffling up, music is the other companion I keep at home, my hubby being the 1st one, I must say. There is this channel named Rosebowl that treats us to some decent music and movies with comparatively fewer number of ad breaks. I guess the channel is aired only inside Trivandrum. I saw kelly clarkson’s video for the 1st time on this channel yesterday and she is more like Hilary Duff, isn’t she? Whatever, it’s time to wind up the day and my blog is blushing red after the fruity make over. I like this change, all reddy n goody ! Change, that’s one thing I can count on, let alone the humdrum timetable that boxes us in everyday. When we wake up tomorrow, there’s something or somebody new, ready to say Hello to us. If it wasn’t for change, life would have buried itself down deep in the woods when things shook up the whole of everything a couple of years back. Love, Life and all, it’s great to be alive, ready for the next change. Drr…trr….that’s me unconsciously sucking my empty cup. My hot chocolate has vanished into my tummy long back. So for now, Good night.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


After almost 2 years of hyping the expectation levels in people, I was nearly sure this is one movie I would catch up with in a theatre, just to treat myself to the sound and visual effects in full force. I went to see the so-called magnum opus of Kamal on the 3rd day of its release and returned with a lot of questions racing thru’ mind. First of all, I flatly deny the tag hanging on to the movie - this is NOT anywhere closer to be called a Magnum Opus of an actor who excels in quality equally with world cinema. So what if he takes 10 different avatars? That does not qualify the movie to a safe place in the critique’s court. The plot is strongly purposeful; a biological warfare which loops in world class scientists, CIA-turned terrorists, FBI and even US president George Bush. I took a while to make some sense out of the flow of the plot from a 12th century diversification between the vaishnavites and the Shaivaites where Kamal plays the steadfast Vaishnavite who leaves his family behind and dares to die because he does not want to say ‘Om Namah Shivay’. The only link this thread has with the movie is the point that the massive sculpture of Lord Vishnu which Kamal is tied with and dropped into Ocean is thrown back to the shore by the Tsunami waves, about 8 centuries later.

The movie is an entertainer, sure, from start to finish. But that's just the least that has saved it from hitting the below-average mark. It's a visual kickshaw, no doubt. But when the flavor goes high with ingredients like the genius in Kamal Hassan, there'sn't much that satisfies his intelligent fans apart from the magnitude of hardwork that has gone into it from the editing and the visualization part. For me who has grown up admiring the brilliance in Kamal's movies, the word 'Classic' just fades away from the plate that carries his master pieces on serious subjects like Kuruthipunal or Mahandi or Nayagan or a delicacy of humor like in Micheal Madana Kama Rajan or Sathileelavathi ....the quality these movies carried in every respect of Cinema is just adorable. What is more incredible is the point that the beauty of this was achieved when we did not have super eminent technicians like Ravi Varman or PC Shriram doing the work behind the cameras. PC Shriram was part of Kuruthipunal, though, I believe When it is a magnum of a few intelligent minds making a movie, people do not expect anything less than an Opus and only when the product of the combined work strikes out all the records it has set in the hearts of movie goers, I would call it a Magnum Opus. I believe I have seen more in Kamal and that's my solid base to expect more from him. If you attempt to take viswaroop with 10 different avatars, it's just another slot in the Guiness Records for you, alright and Congratulations for that but sorry that hasn't helped me stand up and give a standing ovation at the end of it like I wished it did. Kamal, good job but Dasavatharam is definitely not a splendor that any Kamal Hassan-lover was expecting it to be.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Will you be my Hero ?

Aren't black men scoring high over whites when it comes to their screen presence ? I was watching 'The Siege' and couldn't resist acknowledging the fact that nobody else could have done the character of Anthony Hub Hubbard other than Denzel Washington. Now my 1st statement could be called racist because I used the word 'black' to address someone. But how in the world would I rephrase it ? Speaking of it, Denzel is not really handsome if you visualize him to be one of those middling man walking against you in a crowd. Would you notice him ? So what's it that which makes him, well, look-able when he says 'Drawp the gun naaawhh' . His attitude? His dressing ? His style ? His Voice ? Or simply the power of his character ? Wht's it in a person that tickles the oomph-thing in the opposite sex? A friend of mine has turned away from so many good looking faces of wanna-be prince charms simply because she didn't feel the bang on the 1st go. That made me ask what would I look for in a guy ? I donno.....not kinda guy...well is just simple with words, straight with thoughts and comfortable with the pace the world moves on !! The most handsome men I have met in my life are not completely great looking, they just got that style factor somewhere in the way they live. A man needs to have a sense of hygiene of course, of himself and his things, but hey, this is a human thing, irrespective of the gender. I think the 1st thing I would look for in anybody is the sense of cleanliness in his/her thoughts and words. Men in my eyes appear more handsome by words than their looks. I wouldn't care for his eye color or hair texture or complexion as long as the only jewel I find on him is the watch, the mobile too, yea. I am not going to be a staunch critic here but do men really think wearing neck chains and ear studs and colored hair and crappy lettered Tees will give a go with gals ? I think world has moved on from Bappi Lahri and Aerosmith.
The best way I have felt (I wouldn't use the word judge because I am a strong believer in the fact that being non judgmental is the nicest way to have friends) to understand a man's attitude is to talk to him when he's accompanied by a girl, his friend, his sis, his wife, whoever but that somehow exposes the best and the worst in him. He has got the best of brands layered on his body , alright, but if I find his hands scraping the girl for nothing more than a physical reason, I would just feel pity both for the girl for having him in her life and for the brands he's wearing coz they helplessly are sitting on the wrong person. A man should learn to keep his romance and religion private. If not, try movie and politics ! The two are always the dice to watch out for the style in men, all types, intellectual, articulate, stylish, romantic, brave, well dressed and very importantly and more in politics, Witty .
And yea, if you think making a sleazy mock of everyone around is the coolest way to be humorous, get lost.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

It was too long, but I had to come back !

Tuck-Clack-Tup, yeaa,, my engine must have dried up of friction, that’s ok continue flying. Hmm……(Wide grin), my paws accentuate the movement of my body to move on top gear. Gliding through the clouds, who said the city burns during May!! Am feeling like sliding on ice…oohh, that must be the white skies. Whatever, it’s all nice…I have had a pretty wonderful flight…. So far..! Tuck-Clack-Tup…again now what the hell is that….the noise nudges me to turn around…myself…and…what rubbish…my wings are gone !! My feathers… bird-like body……Gosh….I am no more a BIRD !!!! And I am dropping down…to the hub of cemented trees and the world of racing creatures !!! THUD-THUD-THUD…oh mine, leave my knees alone, they are already ruptured ! Nobody to help, grumbling, I lift myself up, Yea, I know dreams always have a horrendous end!! These weird ones I say !! And ho, my monitor dutifully flashes the words as I grumble over the aches my keyboard gave my forehead. I frown but manage to read them …….“Welcome Back to Blogging !!”

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

It's beautiful to fall in love..

I wanted to write on this one because Smith (Smitha, that’s what she is actually, a good friend at work; if you have been a regular reader of my blog, she features occasionally on my posts and almost regularly on comments) is leaving her spinsterhood for good. Now we get to see her only hitched to either phone or gtalk all the time and wear a naughty smile throughout ;not to blame her, it’s a long distance courtship that they are building, so things could only be slow and steady and they are. I hope she enjoys it all, u know all the sudden changes life brings about; all the frenzied plans to buy this and that, go shopping almost everyday, make plans for the wedding, get lost over too many advices and suggestions as to what to eat and what to leave, choose colors and jewels and eventually feel utterly puzzled if the choice was right. The pre-wedding season could drive you crazy and make you feel beautiful at the same time. But beyond all, it’s the feeling of slowly becoming someone else’s that makes it all wonderfully warm and soothing. Wishing you both a wonderful love. For the moment, Smith, go on, take a chill pill and watch these movies so you could set the floor ready for the candle light dinners and long drives and who knows, may be you could watch them together..
Sleepless in seattle, Jerry mcguire, vivah, when harry met sally, love actually, hmmm..I would keep updating this list as and when I remember more; they could be of help to learn to blush more easily, not that the blush that sweeps your cheeks now when you are on phone is bad. You just need to learn to be comfortable with it ! :)

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Last night I dreamt of you,

like every other night. I know you will dismiss this with your indignant, ‘there you go again’. But hold on, I take my last attempt to collect all those illogical thoughts and put them on paper, for the last time so you could try and make out what it means to be in love and yet lonely. All these days, I was crazy about you and everything about you that I almost missed to realize that I could never ever be your love. I hoped only falsely that you would understand one day and things would be fine. You didn’t and I am not complaining. Perhaps, I should thank you for molding my belief in love. I probably didn’t know that it’s not love to just keep writing letters, like I always did and feel okay about you crushing them all. I wonder if there was no love, why did you have to read them after all. I love you so much that it now hurts badly to keep loving and keep getting ignored in return. I saw you in the café with your new found love, last evening. And trust me, it did not make me cry. For a moment, I felt alright seeing you smile with another man. I am not bitter, really. I know we would be 50, 60,70 someday and it’s nice to wish for all that we want to be. I don’t even know how life would be with out thinking about you or insanely trying to attempt another letter or a gift which I hoped would could change your mind .I hate that I am clueless, but I have had enough that I want to just leave you with your life and I don’t really care what ever comes of it, my life or yours and it seems like a damn good idea to move on. All the letters and flowers that you eventually chucked out, I am happy you did and there’s nothing that reminds me of you or how insane I was. I want to sleep the nights out, hugging the pillow, and go fishing with some wine and party with friends and play squash. I haven’t experienced it in years and oh man, I haven’t had a Life all these years. With this I am gladly burying all your memories and when I wake up, I want to go back to life and be ready to hope that one day I will have my girl, I am yet to meet. Any day, you don’t have to think about where the hell I would be in life for you know, I would be fine though you wouldn’t see me creeping on you with my letters, right now, and am going back to some sleep and wouldn’t really invite you to my dreams. So, just relax.

PS - I felt, melancholy takes better shapes in the hands of a male and I have written like a boy; hope this is set straight. :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A Promise for Christmas - Valentine's Special

I rush into the hospital and find Gennie talking on the phone. She points at the doctor’s room gesturing Dam is in there and pulls my hand down to sit next to her. “He’s alright, Mrs. Parkinson. Please don’t let this worry you too much. He’ll give you a call once he’s out of the doctor’s room. Yes, sure, Take care”.

“Dam’s mom, she wants to come and it’s…”

“Hw’s he now ? ” I sharply cut her across

“Dam is doing ok. But they say he might need a surgery on his right elbow. The car hit him on his hand while he was trying to get out of the driver’s seat. “

I sigh out my aggravation and ask her if she has got enough money.

“I have paid for the x-rays and stuff but I think we’ll need a lot more”.

I quickly leave for the ATM. I offered Gennie a bottle of water when I got back. She took it gratefully.

“Anna, there’s something else I want to tell you”.

“What?”, I ask her, sipping the water bottle.

“Did you know that Dam is a cancer patient? ” She says that so casually that I can’t really make out if I heard her right.

“Wh…what ?”

“He is, Anna. And I found that out myself only today when he told the doctor. Dam is leaving New York, the next month. Says he wants to just move on ”

There is this sudden gush of tears bombing out of my eyes and I can feel my heart shrinking thinking about what I just heard. I can’t hold the bottle firmly and drop it eventually. My fingers are trembling. I can’t even blink. I am shocked to the degree that I feel like slapping Gennie for giving me this news.

“What the hell…” I don’t know what I am saying.

Gennie holds my hands and tries to appear composed. But I can see tears in her eyes too.

“Don’t worry, he will be ok.”

I bang my neck against the head rest of the chair and look up at the blank ceiling.

“No body knows, not even his mom”, Gennie continues but I wish I didn’t hear anything.

All these days, all the fun and silly things we had shared. I have only seen Dam in the brightest of smiles. Every moment of hell I gave him and Gennie about my relation with Kenny, I know I have hurt Dam so many times because I was hurt myself and I couldn’t take it when Dam or Gennie tried to console me. I was always snappy and cranky and insane whenever we talked about Kenny or my life. And Dam would tease me at the end of it all saying I finally gave Kenny a chance to live and I would sometimes slap him. All this and more when he knew he was having this dreadful disease ? He was always listening to me like I was the most important person ever and all I have given him back is my share of truck loads of problems and a little companionship.

I sigh and close my eyes. For a moment I don’t see anything, I don’t see life. Perhaps Dam didn’t tell me about his little secret because he knew I would ignore it just like I had ignored him, all these days, all my life.
I curse God for putting people through the worst of life, but quickly remember Dam telling me once that God never puts us in problems; we choose our own mistakes and God goes through the toughest time trying to pull us out of it.

Dam was leaving ? Where would he go ? He doesn’t have anyone save his mom. Is there anything I can do ?

I lay there for hours, thinking and not understanding. They are doing the surgery on Dam’s hands. Gennie fell asleep for an hour.

I wipe my cheeks and feel a numb coldness and tears.

I look around. It must be almost midnight. The clock showed 11:15. I can’t believe I was sitting there for 5 hours. I pull myself out of the chair. I suddenly think of Kenny and the easiness with which he broke the marriage. I think of Michelle. I think of Dam. I think of Gennie. I walk across the hall and hold the window sill, gazing out meaninglessly. I see a church and some people gathering up for the midnight service. They are hugging each other, kissing. I can’t see more because eyes are welling up and I look up at the skies, stand there until my knees were tired.

“Ms Gennie, Ms Anna”, that’s the call from the doctor.

I turn around with a jerk and see Gennie hurrying towards the doctor. I don’t hear what the doctor is saying. But he’s smiling at Gennie and she turns back to give me a Thumbs up. For once in so many hours, I take a deep relieved breath and wipe my tears out and slowly walk to the room.

Dam is awake, smiling as joyfully as ever. “Did I make your Christmas eve adventurous, ladies ? “ He chuckles.

I wait at his bedside and smile, touching his arm. “Hey Anna, what’s up honey. Did Gennie tell you I was dead ? “ Gennie was laughing.

“Are you leaving” I crawl up closer to his face. Dam’s smile fades, he looks up at me seriously.

“Where?” Dam manages to hold the smile.

“Are you leaving the city, Dam?”

He doesn’t respond. He looks at Gennie who looks apologetic.

“Dam I am asking you “ I sound angry

“Anna, see, some things are better left unsaid and you.. “

“I am so sorry Dam, I am so sorry I am letting you go. I am so sorry I didn’t know”. I cry and lean across his chest. I can slowly feel his hands on my hair.

“Anna, I just thought I will let you live”, he continues to chuckle.

“Yea, Thanks Dam, you can, it’s your life. But I’ve just got a small gift for you.”

“Wow, for Christmas ?”, he exclaims “ I just hope it’s not another crazy kitten that crunches into me all the time”

I suppress my laughter. I had gifted Dam a barmy kitten, last Christmas.

“No, it’s not, but it’s gonna be yet another crazy being that will torture you for a life time ” I smile

“Ohhh no”, Dam groans “I know ! A puppy this time, right ? ! Anna for GOD’s SAKE, I HATE PETS “

I continue to smile.

“What, where’s the damn thing” He is curious.

I move further close that I can now feel his breath and whisper into his confused face

“here” And I kiss him, gradually feeling his hug tightening and tears flowing. But there is no grief , I know. I look into his eyes. For the first time, I have seen tears in his eyes. He still looks flabbergasted. He hasn’t taken his arm off me.

Wiping away his tears, I hold his hands and say

“Merry Christmas, Dam”

He still can’t speak. And he struggles to shift his gaze to Gennie to get her word that this is not a dream.

Gennie is smiling in tears.

I turn back and go “Merry Christmas, Gennie”

Tears get faster on Gennie’s cheek. She comes closer, kneels down by the bedside

“Merry Christmas to both of you” She somehow manages amidst tears and smiles .
- Concludes.

Monday, February 4, 2008

A Promise for Christmas - Part 2

I bite my lips, irritated. Why on earth does Gennie have to call me NOW and on some restaurant’s number.
“Thank you, I am coming” I mumble to the waiter;I can’t hide how irritating this could get.
I swiftly walk up to the reception, pick up the phone and answer
“Anna, oh my god, I finally got you”
“Why in the whole world did you have to reach me on this number?” I control my temper to make sure my voice does not get loud.
“Anna, I have something important to tell you”
“You couldn’t call me on my blackberry?”
“Your blackberry was switched off. Anna listen, Dam met with a car crash”
I flip my gaze from my blackberry, which I took out to check if it was switched off to the receptionist. I can’t make out what Gennie was talking about.

“What? Dam? When ? Gennie, what are you saying?”
“Yes, don’t worry he’s out of danger. Dam was giving me a drop back home. I got out of the car to buy something and I don’t know, the car was hit and Dam was bleeding. I took him to the hospital. They are looking at him. Anna, I want you here right now” Gennie sounds nervous yet strong.
“Fine, I am coming, which hospital?”

Gennie is a strong person, I know she can handle things pretty well. But I need to go. Oh my God, Dam, what the hell. Thoughts just whisking through my mind and am unconsciously walking to the exit.

“Anna” , Kenny stands right in front of me looking very concerned.
Perhaps he can make out something is wrong.

“Kenny, Hi”, I don’t smile and pretend serious and confused.

“Is every thing alright?” He comes a little closer.

Michelle joins him from the table, smiling at me.

“Yes, umm…I mean not really, Hi Michelle”

I gather guts and decide to leave “See, I am sorry, am in a hurry, I have to leave right now “

“Ohh, of course”, Kenny replies, “I hope u have all the help”.

“Yes, fine, thank you”

And I start walking.

“Anna”, I hear Kenny again

What now, I turn back.

“I am sorry but Merry Christmas to you “

“yea…Merry Christmas to both of you”, I can’t believe I managed that.

And take a cab, straight to the hospital.

Dam Parkinson is my colleague and a good friend. In fact, there is friendship between us to the extent that Dam and I hang out causally and he has helped me with a lot of issues in life. Gennie Whitefield is my roommate and she’s a common friend to me and Dam. Dam is handsome, intelligent and extremely funny. But I genuinely can’t pull myself to spend too much time with him because Dam is in love with me. Yes, he has proposed and every time I speak to him, I can make out his effort to hide the love from his eyes and therefore it’s not always smooth for me with Dam. In fact, I have been razor sharp with him when I knew I saw love in him. I think I can’t get over my breakup with Kenny . It’s insane. But I do not think I could ever remarry. The cab stops in front of the hospital making me blink about how long I have been thinking about Dam. I take my wallet out and feel a few dollops of tears drop into my hands.
God, please keep Dam safe.

- Anna's snags will continue

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A promise for Christmas.

The last time I was here was for the eve of my last birthday, when Kenny finally said he wanted to get married to me. For a moment I couldn’t believe him, ‘cause Kenny is someone who doesn’t usually give in to anything that easily. He was holding my left hand and I could see a glee of love on his face in the candle light that spread graciously from the White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle cheese cake on the table. For the umpteenth time I smiled at my super strong confidence that Kenny was the most handsome man I had ever seen. He was leaving for California the next day and I wanted to put a pause to everything and just stay there, staring into his eyes. I was going to miss him. Two weeks was not a small thing, you know.
“We will get married by the end of Jan; that’s like about 3 weeks from now ?”, he was smiling intriguingly and I didn’t respond. I couldn’t take my eyes away and think.

“Anna?”, he embraced my palm and I was forced to come back to the real world.

“hmmm…yea…you were..hmm..saying..something ?” I was embarrassed at my own dreamer-attitude.

“Good gracious, Anna ! “, he was still smiling and I had to make my ignorance up and smile intelligently, like he was the one being ignorant.

“I was talking about getting married by this month end. 3 weeks from now, how about that?” , he continued ignoring my attempt to appear smart.

” Hmm…yes, that would be fantastic, I..umm…I just can’t believe you are saying this, are you serious Kenny ?” Now this time I was again looking into his eyes but not with passion, I wanted to see a sense of assurance.
He only gave his trademark smile again and I couldn’t ask for more. I trusted his gestures more than his words. Sometimes I had this strange feeling that I was just trying to personify the man of my dreams in him. But it couldn’t be true, or I believed so, because it’s not really a year since Kenny and I were a couple and am here again at Cheesecake factory in New York , 11 months after I married Kenny and 4 months after we separated. I sit here thinking of the changes that year has brought about, single, married and divorced, broken and mending, my emotional ride through out the year.

It’s the eve of Christmas. The city is a spectacle. There is this red feeling of love that just blooms around in here every winter. I walk in looking for a private kind of place and choose a corner table by the window which lets me stick around for hours, watching the world go by. I look through the glassed up walls. It’s nice to see people making merry. Happier faces, forgetting the stress and work, the cakes smelling yummier and hotter than ever, snow just kissing away the blues of the year, Churches getting ready with lights and carols, Christmas is just too beautiful.

“Good evening and a Merry Christmas to you ma’am, would you like to have something”
I look up at this man standing right beside my table, offering me a menu which has a tiny wreath attached and he is wearing a Santa Claus hat and a very warm smile.
“Ohh, yes…umm..Thank you” I politely take the menu and he leaves. I decide to go for a club sandwich and a Peach Smoothie.
As he comes by, I find myself in a hurry to close the menu and place my order. I avoid his eyes when I tell him I would like the beverage along with the sandwich. It has become a habit to avoid anybody’s eyes who smiles at me, these days. Broken heart, you know.

I resume my gaze through the glass and suddenly flip my mouth open, my elbow slips off the table. It can’t be. Oh gosh, this is insane, it can be…HIM. But it is and truth always turns hostile with me, always. Kenny Witherspoon, my ex-husband and his new-found fiancée Michelle Blossom enter Cheesecake Factory hand in hand, fully in love. He says something in her ears and she turns pink and gives him a soft little push. Oh my GOD, why does it always happen with me? I must scuttle or he’ll catch me. Kenny and his girlfriend saying hello to me ! I would rather die than make myself a fool in front of them. I look for my phone and pretend to dial a number and hurriedly flip off the seat. I hide my face in hair and fumble for an exit, not daring to look up or straight. Oh yes, thank god I can see the exit and Kenny hasn’t seen me or he would have called out my name. For once, I escape. Relieved but still wheezing, I hold the handle of the door to just flee when I hear “Ms Anna … “.
It was like a lump of thunder banging across my chest. For an instance, I think I must just move on. I am still gripping the handle of the door not looking back. I open,
“Ms.Anna Sweetmore” . It’s clearly loud enough for anyone in the restaurant to hear. I have no choice but to gulp in the remaining energy, close my eyes and turn around forcing a gentle smile into my own face. I can’t pull out my voice but I manage a
“Yes ? “
“Ms. Anna Sweetmore ? ”
“Yes, it’s me “ I look through the corner of my eyes for Kenny and he looks shocked and surprised. I am obviously visible beyond question.
I heave a deep breath, convinced that Kenny has also made out that I was trying to flee the place, seeing him.
“Am so sorry ma’am”, continues the waiter whom I had placed my order to, “there is a call for you at the reception”.
“What ?”
“Ms. Gennie Whitefield is on line”

-- Anna will be back

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

So far, so good

So….I seem to have quit getting bamboozled over not finding anything inspiring enough to write about all the time. Looks it’s alright if life gets a little sluggish. I am getting at ease with the luxury of getting paid for doing things that I only love at work. Anyways, I am kind of getting over the vacation-mood and seriously want some venture to be set in.

And the year so far has been okay enough. With all the resolutions and careful learning that I jotted down over the year end, I felt I usually lost the vigor of the New Year by the second week of it.

Kicked off my 2008 with a year end shopping spree. So that was loads of a reason to smile at the New Year. I bagged like 6 T-shirts for the cost of 3 and some junk stuff that would otherwise normally get stuffed into the closet forever (this time I am determined not to bury them there).

It's like, by the start of every year, I get a year older along. Yes, I turned 26, this Jan. With all the twists and bends life is riding on, I can’t do anything more than just nod when people tell me “You are a big girl now, get more responsible”. Sighing apart, it was a silent confession over the fact that ' ohh, yea, I am a big girl now”.

One of our buddies is back from a short term abroad visit and you can’t tell how much we’ve been waiting for her return cause so many celebrations had been put on hold until she came. Though it’s quite sometime since she returned and we have already resumed our plans, which were on the back burner, I want to give her a proper welcome-back, ’Smith, welcome back, it’s so nice to have you with us again’.

So, that’s kind of it; the year that just unwrapped, pretty cool, I’d say. And that made a post for me. Must say I am getting the attribute to keep my blog busy.

And by the ways, caught up with the music of Jodha Akbar and it’s a class of its own; you know, rustic, royal, mellow (some tracks) and easy on the ears, a pick for
hardcore Rahman fans like me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

With all due respect to those gorgeous models...

Kingfisher calendar of 2008 is an album of sexy lasses in swim suits ???? I mean, it’s some news that has chilled down a bit now, I know. But, was that even necessary for a calendar?

I had to shut close my mouth (which formed a bog O in disgust, of course) when some one just peeped into what I was looking at, wonderstruck. Before I could make myself clear as to I was NOT wonderstruck by the curves of those ladies, he was off and I can’t really imagine what went thru’ his mind. (Imagine, me flipping pages of pictures of girls in bikini, with an expression that probably seemed like I was….oohh gosh, that made my embarrassment for the day).
Anyways, planting the focus back, yea, Couldn’t Vijay Mallya think of anything more attractive to make the days of a year? Blame it on Bollywood, for glamorizing the confidence of going almost nude; let nudity be confined to movies or pageants where the body does the talking. But to have a calendar from a brand that so far was, well, de-glamourised yet stayed in style, this is definitely not so cool. Come to think of guys who can actually go wow with a smile, waking up to these pics every morning, I feel a sense of plain mockery. Probably, they were the target, Kingfisher focused. Forget about those picturistique scenes on nature, What happened to the photography that can talk or question the mind and still sooth the eyes. If Vijay Mallya considers the easiest way to reach people’s eyes is by sporting a handful of beach wears, it’s either a pity that our society is looked down as an easy victim to skimpy clothes or Kingfisher falls prey to the western glamour. There’s the class who still remain classy, with taste, you probably didn’t see us.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

First post of the year.

And there I go !! Tagged for the first post of the year by Bungi.
Self enlightening, I say !!

1. What did I learn?
I learnt that credit cards are like those one-night stands which could leave you with momentary pleasures but are extremely capable of sucking out,throwing over your due balances SMSs every morning. And you know your account is already running low. So the next time someone calls up and offers me a FREE credit card for a lifetime, I am gonna hack his brains with the same one he offered me last year and bury the card forever !!!!

2. What did I accomplish?
Well, I still have the to-accomplish list that I prepared for 2007 in shape and untouched. But, hey, it can’t be that bad. I must have done something. Yea, I, umm….lemme skip this.

3. What would I have done differently?
What WOULD I have ?? I would have done hundreds of things differently, given the chance to go back and live it all over again.

4. What did I complete or release?
A year in my 3rd company.

5. What were the most significant events of the year past?
Trip with mom n dad after a long time
Invested in an apartment
First anniversary of being married
Made some good friends
Brought back some lost friendships
I tried out quite a few things I’ve always wanted to like I tried making breakfast when my maid was away, I tried more glass painting, I baked. I might have not been successful, but who cares, am happy I did !

6.What did I do right?
Ignorance !!! I ignored so many silly things and just moved on. That made a lot of difference.

7. What were the fun things I did?
A lot ! Surprise weekend family trips, hanging out with friends, staying up all night, watching back-to-back movies, making a mess out of so many things I cooked, fighting with the hotel manager for reasons he was innocent of, playing pranks on buddies and a few more may be.

8. What were my biggest challenges/roadblocks/difficulties?
I don’t know; sometimes I have this fantasy for starting my own dream job which gives me a come-down-to-reality kind of hiccup when I think of my actual work. My job and I have fallen out of love. I need to look for new destinies I want to travel to. That’s the challenge.

9. How am I different this year than last?
I would say I want to take some responsibilities. You know, get careful with money, clean up the house more often, spend the best time with family and enjoy myself more. But it’s too early to judge how different I am this year. Things have just started.

10. For what am I particularly grateful?
All the love around me. I am rich with a handful of fantastic people in my life. The joy, the strength, the care, the fun, the comfort, the peace, my life is blessed.