"I.....Errrrrr......Ummmmmm.....Sure....Thank you "

“This could get disappointing for you, but I’m afraid your performance has not been up to the level of expectations”. There is a punch of scorn in his statement.

“Errr….ummmmm…..” , Shit, What am I hearing ? !!

“You should understand that to pace up with the rest of the team, which I must say is efficient in every way, you have to be more, much more aggressive “ .

“Err….ummm…..” Aggressive? Should I go blast you for keeping me overloaded all the time ?

“But I believe, every one has got his or her own low rides. I trust you will learn from your mistakes” He is trying to keep himself stern yet friendly. But I know he’s NOT friendly. But it doesn’t matter. I must say something !

“Err…....ummmmm…”

“Would you like to know what are the key areas you can improvise up on? “ He has his
eyebrows raised.

Is he expecting me to answer ? Honestly I don’t want to know. Why the hell would I have you tell me what my weaknesses are ! Ohh God, I want to say No, Mr.Boss, No, okay ? I don’t want to know !!!

“Yea, sure, That’s exactly what I want to know “, I have no idea what is flowing out of my tongue .

“Good, point no: one, you need to draw out a specific timeframe for your work. You can think of coming in, well, a little early so that you find time to complete your tasks”

Xcuse me ? Come in early ? Right, but in that case, I suppose I must be able to head back home at least by midnight. You don’t like me walking out before you do anyways and that’s not until your laptop shows you a zero-charge indicator. You don’t like people having a life of their own. You don’t like me taking breaks at work. You don’t like ME !!!!

“well, err…..actually ….” Come on, say something.


“Sandhya ?”

Shhhhhheeeeeeeeesh !

My imagination sometimes could get annoyingly speedy when it comes to scenarios where am most likely to lose.

I turn back and am sure I look like I have just unknowingly gulped down a chunk of dung. But who cares, that’s how I feel totally.

My boss looks perplexed to see my face sweat in an air conditioned room.

“All set ? Let’s go for the appraisal discussion” Only HE can smile.

“Absolutely ! “, I manage a smile and follow him maintaining the curved-lip , like having an appraisal discussion is the coolest thing of my job.

You don't become unique by standing out of the crowd.

Okay, I am just pretending to have returned from the US . Oh yea, I am very much an Indian by birth. But because I happened to live in a country (okay may be for a few months alone), that is the most fantasized about, I couldn’t help changing my behavioral harmones to fit into that of an all-American crowd.

Nevertheless, I now find it ridiculous to get back to the pure Indian self.

A few scenarios , I use the Americanism in…

1. I walk into a pastry shop and after browsing through the stretch of munchies on display, I ask the person at the counter with an indignant look, “ How many calories is this doughnut ? ” .

2. I am driving a long way and stop over to check for my route, with someone
“ Thanks , I appreciate it, Is that going to be a Freeway ?”

3. I feel annoyed when I don’t find toilet rolls in hotel rooms.

4. I vehemently refuse to remove the airline tag from the laptop bag, I carry everyday. (This is not an American attitude, though).

5. I can’t help praising the discipline in American traffic, every time I get to drive.

6. I scowl in disgust at the street beggers.

7. I suddenly seem not to mind using the word fu----- for at least half a dozen statements I make every hour.


Okay, there are more to it. But these were the commonest I have found. It’s a pity that the western influence could get so very contagious on a person who hails from a country that talks so rich of culture !

I insist I am not generalizing this on just any Asian who flies back from the west. There are quite a handful who stay Indian, after coming round the globe.
I mean, because you happen to be a US-returned, walking around the town looking for diet coke and burgers in India , when all that you really want to fill in, is a bowl of steamed rice and dal and salad , Would you mind giving it a break ! !!!

P.S This post is not intended to offend anyone nor is it to brand all those US-returned guys Americanized !

The week that was NOT !

There is this programme on CNN IBN at the end of the week, making up stuff on events that did not really happen in the prior week. The news would be on events, the world wished to view. I contemplated on a few issues, that I, personally have always wished to see happen. I came up with the top 3 on my mind. These, I strongly believe, are issues that require serious address .The world has to indeed see them happen one day,

or so I believed.

1. I switch on the TV and hear ‘The UN launches the most discussed and the debated "WorldPeace Mission" today. The mission, starting today shall first target to do a world-clean-up by collectively directing the terrorists and the extremists and the religious activists (well the fanatic ones I mean) and the murderers and the women-and-children-exploiters and the uneducated politicians to planet Mars, where they shall undergo a decade-long resurgence programme which will include incessant training on setting up the mental, physical and spiritual fundamentals to possess and follow a life style that would by no means be harmful to the society. Our correspondent from the UN office has more details…

2. I am on my way to work and the traffic out on the road is nothing but disciplined. Cars don’t give out that frenziedly nonstop honking to overtake. I don’t see a chain of vehicles that comfortably manage to follow an ambulance and drive past the few other vehicles that give them way (well, it was supposedly given to the ambulance alone).

3. I find an e-mail which reads, ‘Owing to the augmented emphasis on Work Life Balance from the senior management and the employee union (well, that’s again something that’s part of the I-wish-it-existed list) and the frequent reports of abuse on employees who travel back late, the company has unanimously decided to stick to a strict deadline of 5:30 PM to wind up work on all weekdays . We would also like to communicate to all our employess that the office shall not be open from 6:00 PM Friday to 8:30 AM Monday, IST, which calls for a compulsory closure of all deliveries by Friday evening, maximum. The company shall not entertain any work on Saturdays/Sundays.

Confessions of a software Engineer

I’ve been contemplating the question for time, I must say, since I moved out of college . Three years into the profession still finds the same question lingering.
And when I finally decide to look deep into myself to dig out some answer, the response is depressingly not in par with what I am incidentally doing.

And I ask again, “Are people really happy being SOFTWARE ENGINEERS? “

Well, I can for sure hammer down on the point that this is not one of the finest things to do in life, at least for me !
Because, I am doing the chore of parking myself in front of a computer and design or study software, used by populace, remotely familiar to me.

Fortunately or unfortunately I have been through it for three years and sometimes I am surprised at this fact because from the day I started learning computers till day, I know there was not a single moment when I enjoyed what I did on computers nor admired the way it worked.

The business fascinates me to a certain extent. A study on it, I believe would keep people enthusiastic ‘coz one can then relate the work to practical real-life applications. But staring into somebody else’s software code, trying to understand what it is, preparing a report on that, while you are wriggling about the head or tail of it , attending meetings to give answers to the never-say-die-deadlines and take some more questions from the senior peers to have more work , rushing back to the computer and rack brains again over the same thing to meet deadlines….
I mean…what the heck….why am I doing this !!


But over the few years of experience I have gained, I must say I have managed to do the work pretty ok and have managed to impress my bosses (though I never felt deeply satisfied with the effort, myself and have always wondered how my boss did).

And oh yes, there were so many a time when I really felt like fleeing this completely uninteresting thing that I continue to do and dreamed how nice it would be if I simply stopped coming to office, one fine day. (This feeling descends on me habitually when I get assigned with fresh dead lines and a technology that sounds Like all Greek and Latin ).

I know myself pretty well. I do not want to christen myself with titles like ‘Determined-to-do-her-best-despite-disliking-it ‘ .
But the fact is that it is partially true. I continue to do it despite disliking it.

I wonder why !!

But talking of one side of a coin, it’s worth peeping onto the other side, as well, for a change.

There are definitely things out in this job which have been value-add to my life.

This tag of being a software engineer fetches me pretty good money.
Good (but I would have made money, had I been doing something else too !)
I must admit that I take immense pleasure in answering the question “what do you do” . It throws in this conceited feeling in me when I say I work for this company, which is globally HOT in the industry. Alright but I wonder how amazing it would have been to answer the same question like, “I am a writer/ I am en editor for this magazine/ I own a coffee shop/boutique / I am an anchor for a personality development foundation…” Wow ….This is so incredible.

Okay, let me try and focus on the positive side of being a SOFTWARE ENGINEER and not on any other profession that I DID NOT get into !!!

I still dream big. Good. Or am I a day dreamer ? Ohh no !

Quite sporadically, I imagine myself to be owning my own boutique or teaching a bunch of smart students or be a full time writer or be a corporate planner in a great company, thinking and working on the lines of development of the business and functional structures of the company(whoa...that was some sentence )

But it has turned out that my qualification and experience identify me as a software engineer.

Yes, I can tune my writing skills to become a profound writer someday. And it does not require a qualification but a lot of practice and determination. (But Sunday evenings are the only time I might settle down to let my creative skills peep over my otherwise-so-hectic routine and all the channels have their best programmes on Sunday evenings and let go of the pen and paper).


A Teacher ! I like teaching and I think I am fairly good at it . Alright. But let me give myself a gentle reminder that I NEVER wanted to become a Teacher. (Oh, How I wish I had a group of students to learn the most extra ordinary arts of Living and the skills required to groom oneself that are disappointingly not part of the curriculum in our educational system).


An Entrepreneur !! To take the sole ownership of the management of my own store which introduces people to goods that are creative, attractive and uniquely carrying my style. A boutique, a super market, a coffee shop. How exciting !! I would travel across the globe in search of the vividly unique and high quality stuff and learn the art of marketing.


An able corporate planner who is noticeable at the sheer entry of hers everyday and is associated with the events and the planning of the actions that will help the company become a better work place. Talk to people. Travel . Collect ideas. Implement. And in the process of all, grow as an individual.

But HELLLOO !!

These opportunities DID NOT knock my door or rather, honestly speaking I did not prepare myself to hear any of those knocks.

I should have been keen on pursuing a degree on MBA in a decent college if I truly had a vision of my dreams. But wait a minute, did I really dream about big things those days ?

Ohh yea, the fuss and craze of college Life withered my focus a little too much, albeit, that is how college Life is and I was a loving them all. And I know I had a great time .

So there slips down the story of how my dreams landed with a bang !

So, what else did I expect out of Life ? Did I think some angels would come down to grant me all my wishes and I would have everything set in front of me, just like that !!!

Whatever,
I seem to be pretty clear about what did not happen and more clearly why. So I SHOULD also be clear about what I must or must not be doing now or in the future at the least !

But I am not !! I still dream about things which are out of scope of my practicality. I keep whining on how interesting Life WOULD HAVE BEEN otherwise and just not on how best I can make out of the present Life !

Are these not signs of a DAY DREAMER ????????????

OH MY GOD !!!!!

OH MY GOD !!!!!

AM I REALLY A DAY DREAMER !!!!!!!!

I CAN”T BELIEVE THIS !!!

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I HAD A NOT-SO-BAD-THINKING SYSTEM !!

BUT HERE I PROVE THAT I AM A DAY DREAMER AND I AM NOT PRACTICAL, NOT REALISTIC, NOT AN OPPORTUNIST !!!!!

OHH NO . FEELS LIKE I HAVE JUST REALISED THE TRUTH !!!!

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING HAS INDEED BEEN AN EYE-OPENER !!!!