I think I never understood or appreciated that having a baby is life’s extraordinary way of helping you to get out of your own way, to move you into a different point of view, to make you believe that you are capable of offering a world of love, everyday for the rest of your life, to a tiny individual who put you through many hours of the most excruciating, agonizing, I-can’t-come-out-of-it-alive kind of pain you have ever physically experienced or you would in future (unless you go on to make another or some more). It’s the only means of experiencing what your breasts are truly for. It’s a reassurance of the fact that life, even over hundred thousand years of existence and evolution and failure and death and all the helpless mayhem, does begin again and bring in just the same magnum of wonder. It’s the finest way of God to bring balance in the voids of a world that is big time screwed up in chaos and heartbreaks.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
In desperate times, I have discovered it’s rather best to turn inward, run around the maze like a mad bull and dig out everything I have buried deep under - vague dreams, a few things I might be good at, the darkest memories, unfinished little projects, old friends, fears, some broken relationships, happiness – everything ! The kind of things you would find unleashed inside your own inner world - I mean, my God, it’s a jungle out there !! But for once, I don’t wanna stop digging, I wanna go under the mess and not be afraid of getting dirty. You know, dig those degraded plastics out. Clean out, explore, detoxify, just don’t stop until I feel like I’m making something out of this. It may not take me anywhere. I may not unearth any prized gems from there. I’m not on an exploration, just a quiet weekend trip without any expectations. Sort of. That’s okay. But I wanna know what I’m made of, what lies within the ordinariness of everyday living, what comes after loss and a lot of pain, what I’m capable of, what my innermost places look like, bring out everything. Don’t be afraid, just pull them all out, one by one. At least, get out in the sun and run. There is a good chance my instincts may come out alive there. It might not be a bad project.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
We are not entirely our heart. We are only half of it. The choices we make are based on the desires, boundaries and ego of that half a piece of what we call 'heart'. The other half of it is the soulmate we seek, it belongs to the one who will tell us in the face how wrong our understanding was and how correct our mistakes were; the one who will make you believe life hasn’t started yet and that you are willing to travel a lifetime, learning how; the one with whom, it’s impossible to deny truths; the one without whom, life could be all misunderstood. It’s the irony of life that such an intense, passionate, life altering relationship could come and leave at an utterly unprepared time of your journey or could last for a long, really long time. But once it has touched your life (and perhaps gone), everything prior to that experience becomes meek and everything after turns out stronger, better.
Even the mistakes.
'Something's always going to keep us near each other...even if we aren't together.'
Friday, September 6, 2013
In your way through finding answers and reasoning and justification for every single upheaval you pass through, you will discover that the greatest human being you are ever going to know personally and so intimately is no one but yourself, because through every single moment of the journey you made, as a person, you have taken many chances to believe, to understand things and understand them so wrong, to make mistakes, to stumble and trip over yourself, to feel mortified and pained. But at the end of it, you did pick yourself up from the stinky little ditch and carried on, blind or otherwise, still answerless, straight into the future. When you look back, they were not just stops you made by failure; they were moments you lived your power and used that opportunity to put your ego together, pretended to smile and moved ahead. It was simply an act of unsympathetic courage. You better be fucking proud of that.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Now, not all things in life have a logic. Not all feelings in your mind have an explanation. Not all people have a reason to be a certain way. If you asked a hopelessly romantic teenage lover girl, why on earth she would give up her entire being for a man she loved, she probably wouldn’t have a reason any more than the fact that she just loved him. She loved him. Period. That was reason enough for her love. There, justified, certified and signed. I think we all are like her in some way or another. We grow up, yes, to strong, mature, bright adults but keep a little bit of that girl inside our heart. We remain crazy about something. We long for something for years and years. We give up on all practical science for a delusional belief that no one in this world can understand but us. Because we simply love something. A lot of love without a reason. That’s how love should be; without reasons, without boundaries. And as I have learnt, nothing in life must seem more important than that random, irrational, senseless share of love. I’ve been looking for MY random, irrational, stupid love for a long time and I think after years of trying tads of this and that, I have it figured. It’s travelling. It’s one experience that I fall in love with again and again despite coming back many times with bruised knees or sleepless nights or irreparable tan. It doesn’t always treat me so well but nothing in this world gets me more delighted than a novel place of beauty. It’s a companion who has never let me down. It’s the only place I could hide under when the world gets shaking underneath. I could go, sit in the woods and go over my life for hours with no one around, or I could go, feel the water in my ankles and deal with the cold replies life throws, or I could sit by a dock, swallow the emptiness and accept that mom is gone, or I could simply lose myself to the frenzy and the laughter of a wonder obsessed crowd and leave the world behind, loneliness et all. I could just go, some place, any place. That will do. Travelling, I figure, is truly the true love of my life.