It's that holy time of the year when birds fly home, when warmth becomes the only comfort..

Even Christmas is a  thing  of choice  – you see, there is an option you can sink down under the blanket thru’ the entire light of the day and wake up to a cheerio brunch and throw your aching knees on the recliner and watch television, thanking heavens for a day off  –  or – you can outdo the first light of the day, crawl to the Christmas tree to reach those tiny, shining boxes with the restlessness and the impatience of a child and have some loved ones over to cut into that fruit cake you spent an entire evening on and let the glasses spill some eggnog and make smiles and laughters of love.  Everything about life is in reality a thing of choice. Everything – happiness, love, laughter, friends, holidays, or a simple scoop of ice cream - any single thing of beauty- if you see is never an accident. Neither is it all simply sachets of gifts thrown from above. It is what you choose, what you make of. And we all have potential as gigantic as this universe to turn an empty window of time into a bracket of sweet memory....to make our own stories....to fill our heart with love. And no matter how brutally life hits you down on the head with a sledgehammer, make yourself a promise to fearlessly come back for a lot more of life and never ever give up on happiness and to create many smiles and laughters of love. Happy holidays.

Cancer & other disasters of life...(2)

Memories from mom’s last days, you know, from the hospital, are kinda like those dementors from Harry Potter – they come in masses, knock every ounce of strength away and blow me down to tiny, wobbly, brittle pieces until I become nothing but a miserable puddle of tears once again. And I succumb another time, this time worse than the last, until I’m so blind from pain I can only weep like a child, lost in the woods, not knowing which direction home is. All the resolve to be strong fails. All of life’s logic flops in front of my own eyes into ripples of nothing more respectable than some cheap magician’s humbug. All of it, like God and other animals of life, seem such a spectacular waste of time. 

I'm so damn bored of green tea & tears

I want to be happy. I want to forget and be just sage enough to keep the good things. I want to go to bed and not be afraid of thoughts and loneliness creeping in from under the pillow. I want to sleep so sound my lips part open to eat all the air, one cheek dug deep into the pillow. I want to listen to the radio and shake a leg. I want to sit with my closest confidantes and cry my past out, empty out the Kleenex box, wiping every drop of tear away and feel like I’m through. I want to wake up at dawn and step out in my tennis shoes to feel the sun on my shoulders. I want to see the birds and the geese and the squirrels and the pink sky slowly rising; it’s been so damned long I can’t remember what that feels like anymore. I want to walk so long and feel the strength, feel the youth, feel the love, like I’ve still got it all. I think I just want to be happy.

Even when the sun goes down, the moon covers the dark...it's nature's way of life

I think I never understood or appreciated that having a baby is life’s extraordinary way of helping you to get out of your own way, to move you into a different point of view, to make you believe that you are capable of offering a world of love, everyday for the rest of your life, to a tiny individual who put you through many hours of the most excruciating, agonizing, I-can’t-come-out-of-it-alive kind of pain you have ever physically experienced or you would in future (unless you go on to make another or some more). It’s the only means of experiencing what your breasts are truly for. It’s a reassurance of the fact that life, even over hundred thousand years of existence and evolution and failure and death and all the helpless mayhem, does begin again and bring in just the same magnum of wonder. It’s the finest way of God to bring balance in the voids of a world that is big time screwed up in chaos and heartbreaks.   

When the going gets tough....what do they say?

In desperate times, I have discovered it’s rather best to turn inward, run around the maze like a mad bull and dig out everything I have buried deep under - vague dreams, a few things I might be good at, the darkest memories, unfinished little projects, old friends, fears, some broken relationships, happiness – everything ! The kind of things you would find unleashed inside your own inner world - I mean, my God, it’s a jungle out there !! But for once, I don’t wanna stop digging, I wanna go under the mess and not be afraid of getting dirty. You know, dig those degraded plastics out. Clean out, explore, detoxify, just don’t stop until I feel like I’m making something out of this. It may not take me anywhere. I may not unearth any prized gems from there. I’m not on an exploration, just a quiet weekend trip without any expectations. Sort of. That’s okay. But I wanna know what I’m made of, what lies within the ordinariness of everyday living, what comes after loss and a lot of pain, what I’m capable of, what my innermost places look like, bring out everything. Don’t be afraid, just pull them all out, one by one. At least, get out in the sun and run. There is a good chance my instincts may come out alive there. It might not be a bad project.

Because eventually, it always leads me to you..it always has.

We are not entirely our heart. We are only half of it. The choices we make are based on the desires, boundaries and ego of that half a piece of what we call 'heart'. The other half of it is the soulmate we seek, it belongs to the one who will tell us in the face how wrong our understanding was and how correct our mistakes were; the one who will make you believe life hasn’t started yet and that you are willing to travel a lifetime, learning how; the one with whom, it’s impossible to deny truths; the one without whom, life could be all misunderstood. It’s the irony of life that such an intense, passionate, life altering relationship could come and leave at an utterly unprepared time of your journey or could last for a long, really long time. But once it has touched your life (and perhaps gone), everything prior to that experience becomes meek and everything after turns out stronger, better.

Even the mistakes.

 

'Something's always going to keep us near each other...even if we aren't together.' 

                                                                                                  -Unknown   

They say walk over a lemon and your curses are cured

In your way through finding answers and reasoning and justification for every single upheaval you pass through, you will discover that the greatest human being you are ever going to know personally and so intimately is no one but yourself, because through every single moment of the journey you made, as a person, you have taken many chances to believe, to understand things and understand them so wrong, to make mistakes, to stumble and trip over yourself, to feel mortified and pained.  But at the end of it, you did pick yourself up from the stinky little ditch and carried on, blind or otherwise, still answerless, straight into the future. When you look back, they were not just stops you made by failure; they were moments you lived your power and used that opportunity to put your ego together, pretended to smile and moved ahead. It was simply an act of unsympathetic courage. You better be fucking proud of that.