College, A Memoir...

I was in a scurry sorting out the books I read this year and stumbled over the college slam book, memories and friendships, signed and closed. Four years since it was last touched, yes, time hasn’t really permitted me to re-read those notes from the best years life could offer.

I lay on the couch, swirling a couple of strands of my curly hair and feel this trwaing-trwaing roll of white faded curls in a plain backdrop, taking me through these intense moments of college years; the best life has given me thus far.


The beautiful me - Haven’t you had this sudden transformation of getting conscious and more chilled out about your looks, as you enter college? I did, and I think it’s natural with all ‘cause until school was over, we were so used to projecting ourselves like nerds, you know, plaited hair, uniform, those boring black leather shoes, bags weighing our spines down all the time and all that. Nothing mattered more than marks those days, nothing at all. Thank god, I was finally rid of being an ugly betty. It was thrillingly fun to take time in the mornings to dress up and leave hair loose and wear all sorts of colored fabrics and head to college with a bag which carried more of CDs and fun books to exchange. This is the phase that actually made me feel the girl in me.


The first love – Well, they say, no matter how much life thrusts you with, the memories of a romance, which worked or did not will linger on for a lifetime. And I for obvious reasons, was not surprised when thoughts of those moments bubbled up, triggering goose bumps and a sense of bliss only love can bring. Waiting for each other in the class, exchanging boxes of chocolates, turning with a reason to talk to a friend but stealing looks, chit chatting on the phone till dawn and not being able to wait to get to college to catch up again, staying in the classrooms after college hours with a friend to guard the entrance, experiencing the beginning of what romance is, the special meetings arranged over annual and symposium days, the anxiety over a mysterious future, the last day of signing up autographs and bidding goodbyes, promising love for a life time and all the mix of joy and thrill and fear and strength and loneliness and longings, life can bring when you know you are in love, I don’t know if there is any other experience in life which takes you through a steep and exciting ride of emotions as much as love does. It’s been 8 years since I first had this guilty instinct warning me that I was falling in love. I didn’t want to, but eventually I did like every one else. The memory is still so very precious.


Friends - You finally learn to sit back, put an arm over your friend’s and let go of anything that used to scare you till the end of school - books, teachers, classes, labs, assignments, marks ,you just forget them all and smile. Those lunch hours, when we would sit on the fence, laughing over the silliest things in the world, forgetting the test assigned for the later half of the day ; the lost stares we would give each other while giving a test, I remember scribbling down the recipe of Vanilla Cake so studiously for an Electronics and Design test, simply to save the “you-people-are-hopeless” kind of look from my teacher ,which made my best friend burn in despair ‘cause she thought I was actually giving in the answers ; the nick names we used to carol around for almost every one; ganging up to spend some sleepless nights on the eve of exams, I remember calling up pals like at about 2 or 3 in the night, to discuss subjects; sighing out the relief on clearing semesters, partying over any and every reason with the little pocket money dad used to spare, oh gosh, why did College have to get over ?

Life has to move on, but somethings just don't.

Sometimes I wonder what would Life mean if it was not for the people around you who love you more than anything else in this world. When I was young, I would ask mom what is God and I still love to believe in what I was taught. God could not make himself available to every one in this nutty world. So he created a home and a few people to take care of us and love all the sanity and insanity we were born with. We call them family. And somehow they go on to become the base of our spirit. We wouldn’t know.
The strange and the natural part of it all is that when Life takes you to different destinies, you would crave for those times when you could sit together for a lousy chat or the hug you used to simply get when you got back home in the evening.

I remember, when I hit the gate at 4 o’clock in the evening from school/college, my grandmom (maternal) would wait for me at the doorway, simply to greet me with a smile (ohh, I would do anything for that beautiful smile of hers). She would kiss my hand (I wouldn’t let her kiss my cheek because I would be all sweaty and dirty after the tiring day) and follow me in to talk of how the day was.

My grandmom, mom and I would get down to a cozy chat over a nibble and talk of all that had made the day. It always enthused me to find that my grandmom was more interested (than my mom) in discussing all the crazy things we used to do at college, all the latest fashion on TV, cheesy episodes of some of our favorite programmes, my friends et all. She would ask me if I had seen that latest ad on TV, where a girl came in a very trendy salwar suit. Sometimes I would just whisk her comments off saying, “No Achi (Grandmom in Tamil), I don’t think it’s nice”.

We lived in the same place, same compound I mean but she used to live in a separate house for she needed her own space and had so many styles I wouldn’t understand. Sometimes she would beg me to have a spoon of payasam (kheer) she prepared when I would be racing like an athlete to find a place in my morning cab. My cab driver would have already lost all the patience in the world, after waiting for me for 10 minutes.
Sometimes when I would walk over to wish her Good Night, I would find her sitting in a rocking chair, in the corridor, gazing at the stars. And I would assume she was thinking about grandpa. But most of the time, she would be engrossed in a book.

She used to buy me pastries and chocolates every day when I was in school. And as I was enjoying my late teens, I think she still didn’t want to treat me the same way with chocolates and cakes so she would ask “shall we go out for a pizza! “. And those evenings when we would flick appa’s car and drive down to the bakery to have pizzas and ice creams still linger in my heart and I know they would always make some of the best memories of my life.

She may not be with me now. But when I look within, I feel truly blissful to have a smile at the memories I had with her and to have a feeling of warmth she left in me. Some relationships in life have a beauty of their own to be best experienced and left unexplained because words may not do justice to describe the best of what life gives you. Even while distance has intruded your bonding, there is no stopping the relation that is built, there’s no stopping the love, because more often than not, the best things in life are not always tangible.


This post is in dedication to my Achi, who left us this day, three years ago.